Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔