Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.