Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend