[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me