Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
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I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?