What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?