Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
How did we not see this back then?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.