I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man