It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
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My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I know karate and tons of other words.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,