Me trying to look natural in photos
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A dad and his duck
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.