Stop sending me this shit.
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.