ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.