Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m already scared
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
when someone compliments me
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.