him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE