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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?