4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
*skinny dips into black hole
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten