My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
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Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
dude it’s called proctologist
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.