“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
You Might Also Like
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Have a lovely day 😊
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.