I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
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Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Happy thanksgiving!
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which