me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them