FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
You Might Also Like
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
definitely did not do anything wrong
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.