Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.