Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Broom by every window for quick escape.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.