I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
“TGIM!” – My liver
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”