David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
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in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions