Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
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I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Meme Monday.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason