You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
why isn’t thunder called soundning
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.