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Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Day 2 of my diet
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
oh you wanna fight?!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.