I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Ken is short for chicken
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.