Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
You Might Also Like
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN