Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.