INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.