Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
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Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.