noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I needed a laugh this morning.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.