Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
very niche meme I made
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”