I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
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to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song