Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
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Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.