M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.