‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
dictator is short for richard potato
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
This line from Airplane.