Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Duolingo getting serious.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I laughed at this way too hard.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
pelicons
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though