“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*