Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
channeling her this year
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.