Kidney stones? Hard pass
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Every time.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.