In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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Very problematic
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*