I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Ah yes. The three genders
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My new favorite headline
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason