Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
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Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.