how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Based Erika
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob