If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.