The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too