I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Always
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
No laws when master is gone
It’s a gift
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Rambo Rambow
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
went fishing caught a bass
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*